Category Archives: funny


(a script for Mickey Mouse) – to be read with a squeaky voice.

Can I get everybody’s attention at once?
That is – everybody in the world?
Hello. Are you listening?
Everybody isn’t listening!

Hello can I get everybody – who’s listening
to pay attention?
Is everybody who is listening able
to give me their attention?

Is anybody out there really listening?
Are there many listening?

Have I got your attention now?
Is the majority listening?

Am I reaching only a few?
Hello – anybody home?

You are listening…!?!?! –




Oh I’ve forgotten now what I was going to say…!






Swiftly – yea – hurriedly – yea – at top speed
Rushing on – headlong

‘Into the valley of death rode…’
the buzzing bee

Swiftly – yea – hurriedly – yea – at top speed
Rushing on – headlong

[The bee contaminated by web
Could not escape no matter how he tried
He buzzed and buzzed with intermittent rest
But could not escape from that sticky mess]

Entanglement – confusion no doubt

Buzz-ing –
his sting –

by spider avoidance

He eventually buzzed no more.
wrapped up like Amazon’s best
and left for later digest

The spindly legs – moved on
for another
catch of the day

Stop this poem!

I don’t like spiders anyway

The Village Idiot Badge

(Fun in the workplace)

“It was one of those days when the sun was really warm.”

He would be shown no mercy for this.
Immediately the shop floor routine – everyone at their stations – now began the ‘endless’ banter.

First the incredulous laughing – followed by the ‘Village Idiot’ badge immediately delivered to his desk. (He had to wear it)

From him – many ‘all right!’ ‘all right!’ exclamations – to no avail, he was in for a days ‘banter’ of merciless intensity. But at least it would remain innocuous:

“Pity about that cold sun the rest of the year.” “My oh my – he (the sun) must have been exercising to be so warm” “Went from warm to REALLY warm eh?” “One of those days – must be hard on the sun all those cold nights…” “That sun’s cooler today…”

And so it went on ‘til the shift was over.

The badge relinquished – back it went onto the shelf ’til the next day – when one guy flew in a ‘BUMBO Jet’.

Or one guy “Didn’t know he was going – until he reached the back door?”

Or yet another who spoke of the movie star ‘Victor Stallion’
(Sylvester Stallone of course).

The village idiot badge – is long since gone – no more takers, all those in the ‘club’ have moved on.



Eating my peanuts one by one
Can’t say it’s any more fun
But the doc said my blood count call
Getting near – too much cholesterol

But what to do?
Not exactly a dilemma – that’s true
Still one would like to know
What food to forgo

So look at this – look at that
What to eat – what have we got?
Too much of this – too much – of fat
Chew ten nuts – instead of all that I’ve got

Restraint on hands – into the pockets
Before cholesterol skyrockets
But at the end of the day
I’m still confused – so I’d better pray

If you’re like me you want a balanced diet
To stop cholesterol running riot
Still – ‘we live to eat another day’
Well – really – what else can I say?



Nothing would do, but that she put this person right!

So she marched up to the assistant dealing with the customer and butted in, interrupting their conversation and verbally pouncing on the man.

“Do you realise that you have hemmed me in? Your car is right up to my tail end and I can’t get out!” she exclaimed.

“Your tail-end looks like it’s nowhere near my car…” was the customer’s response.

Suddenly that did it – the humour completely broke the anger and even the lady who had been wronged burst into laughter.

“But I have lived to tell the ‘tail’…” She continued.

More laughter all round.

“That’s a bumper response…” said the man

More laughter.

“Hope I don’t get ‘tyred’ telling you about this.”

The assistant chimed in: “Is this automatically resolved then…?”

More laughter.

Terrible humour – but when the laughter starts – the anger goes…

Proverbs 15/1:
A gentle answer makes anger disappear, but a rough answer makes it grow.

“I Say…”

He used to point and say: “I say”
The repetition of which became obnoxious day after day.
I say boy you and me are going to fall out…”
I say we are going to fall out…”
“I don’t want to see that happen again”, I say “I don’t want to see that again”.
“If it happens again” I say “If it happens again – you’ll get the cane”
I say you’ll get the cane…”
And then again and again and again and again…
As though his first rendition hadn’t made things plain.

Later I heard he retired from the teaching profession
Took up a pen-pushers job as a civil servant – was it the petty sessions?
And when reminiscing one day
I just happened to say
“We had a teacher who said I say every day.”
And to my surprise the person to whom I spoke
Almost spilt her tea and suddenly started to choke
“I know of whom you speak” she managed to say
We called him: “I say” nicknaming him appropriate-ly
So there you go “I say” had moved on to a new profession
To fill the office of his new found job with his unforgettable obsession
“I say…” with his unforgettable obsession…

The Public Addressed…

and where were you when you heard them?

“Can I have your attention for a moment…
would passengers who are travelling on….”

“Who’s next please?”

“All aboard…”

“Move along there please…”

“Sorry sir, I’ll have to ask you to leave…”

“The next stop is…”

“No Sir I think you have had enough…”

“Last orders please…”

“Time gentlemen please…”

“Programme of the match…”

“Silence in court…”


“Can I help you…?”

“Next contestant please…”

“…can I ask that all mobile phones be
switched off…thank you”

“Would passenger…?.. please report to the
information office…”

“Telephone please Mr….?”

“This meeting is adjourned.”

“Everything all right for you Madam…?”

“It looks really well on you…”

“All stand…”

“Will that be all sir…?”

“Salt and vinegar…?”

“Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye…”

“Would you like a bag?”

“Delicious apples one pound a pound…”

“Now may the Grace of The Lord Jesus Christ
and the love of God, and the fellowship
of the Holy Spirit be with you all…”